What Happened to My Denial

 By Tim Kuss, LADC, LMFT

I’m talking about denial of bipolar disorder and the need to take medications daily.

I believe that failure to take meds is, ultimately a denial of bipolar disorder—mine in particular. It’s not that I never had denial. In 1974, I left a psychiatric ward on pass and signed myself into a long-term chemical dependency treatment. It was easier for me to admit chemical dependency than “mental illness”. I had been in a state hospital twice, on commitment, and while there, had learned that others had been there for 20-30 years or more.

Today, we don’t see a lot of lengthy mental health stays. But two 5-month stays back then scared the be Jesus out of me. Fortunately, my treatment center did not insist that I take those horrid anti-psychotics, which they had prescribed because I had been misdiagnosed with schizophrenia. At that point, I had 25 years of sobriety with no medications and no hospitalizations for addiction issues per se. However, I had had plenty of problems with hypomania over those years, resulting in divorce, breaking up with several partners, and losing several jobs.

When I was FINALLY diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 1999, I believed it, but did no truly understand it. I had taken myself off anti-psychotics (and anti-depressants) in the past, and eventually went off my mood-stabilizer. I was hospitalized again in 2002. This time I almost died. My mania had me running myself ragged physically and my blood pressure was dangerously high.

I have been “med compliant” now for 8 years. I think of it as an insurance policy. My body has aged and no longer can take the physical exertion of mania. I used to go days with little or no sleep, walk for miles for days on end, and eat very little food usually with no attention to its nutritional value. Plus, I never liked psychiatric units, or the loss of freedom.

My meds do not provide negative side effects. I read about possible negative effects today, but could find none for the dose I’m taking. So why should I have denial.

I work as a chemical dependency counselor. I have seen literally hundreds of clients hospitalized because they would not accept that their chemical use has contributed to psychosis (“going crazy”). I have also seen clients try to manage without medications. My freedom requires 2 small concessions: 1. don’t use; and 2.I take my meds.

I have a pretty good life. I think I’ll keep it.