Introduction

The "vision" referred to is the vision that thousands of people who have both bipolar disorder and chemical dependency will be able to maintain a positive recovery by gaining awareness and coping skills for managing this dual disorder. Peter and I have begun the process of doing research on bipolar disorder and chemical dependency and plan to continue that awareness raising process. But most of all we have our personal experience with recovery to offer. I have been in recovery from chemical dependency for the past 35 years and from bipolar disorder for the past 7 years. I HAD bipolar disorder much longer than 7 years, but did not have the diagnosis until 10 years ago and did not start taking my medications consistently until 7 years ago. To start things off I'm going to tell you how my recovery from chemical dependency got started.

I grew up in a very conservative family and spent my last 3 years of high school in a small town. Thus, it was not until I was 19 years old that I started using alcohol and marijuana. I was using marijuana every weekend at age 20. I was in my senior year of college. I had gotten my grade point average above .3 through dilligent study. However, my grades were slumping in that first semester. I took incompletes in 2 of my classes, resulting in them becoming F's when I did not complete them. We had a 1 month term between our semesters called interim and I decided that this would be a good occasion to get away. In other interims I had taken independent study and I did so again. I packed all of my things and put them in the dorm storage area. I filled one suitcase and a duffle bag with things I wanted to take and walked about a mile to the interstate freeway. I stuck out my thumb and soon was traveling to California. I have learned that it is typical for a person with bipolar to travel long distances with very little idea of where they were going or why. In my case, I was going to Berkeley to reunite with last year's roommate, even though I hadn't heard from him in 6 months.

When I got to the Berkeley college campus, I could not find my former roommate registered as a student. This did not discourage me very much. I am sure that I was in a manic episode. I had seen a group demonstrating at the entrance to the campus, so I just turned around to join the group. I spent about a week as an "outside agitator", borrowing home-made picket signs to carry as we marched around in a circle, chanting slogans. I was finding places to sleep, as I had very little money. I kept walking down one street in Berkeley, where young people were shouting out "Lids" and seeming to sell something to passers by. One day I asked one of them if they were selling LSD. He said they were selling pot, but he did have some LSD that he was willing to share with me.

The boy (about age 15) took me to his crash pad. It was an old abandoned building occupied by several groups of young people. He gave me a hit of LSD. I slept for a while, then woke up in the middle of the night and started walking on the street close to the building. I had the illusion that I was taking giant steps that got me 1/2 way down the block at a time, and at other times taking baby steps that got me nowhere. It was a totally mind-blowing experience. One that I was to attempt to repeat over and over.

Since I ran out of money, I went to a grocery store and ate a Hostess Ho-ho in the store. When I tried to repeat that trick the next day, I was arrested and put in the large Marin County jail for 3 days(it was the start of the weekend). When I did see the judge on Monday, he ordered that I leave California. If he saw me again I would go to jail for a much longer time. I hitch-hiked back towards Minnesota and got arrested for hitch-hiking in Winslow, Arizona. I had to call my parents for a bus ticket home.

My parents put me up in their basement. Besides introducing my younger brothers to pot, I spent a lot of time traveling to the West Bank of the University of Minnesota. This was the place to find LSD, Mescaline, Peyote and other psychedelic drugs. I did o.k for a few months, but then had a "bad trip" in which I thought some friends were having a party for me on the West Bank. I got my mother to drive me there. When she made a wrong turn and pulled over, I started hitting her with a hair brush. My parents brought me to Hennepin County General Hospital, where I was put on Thorazine. A week later I was sent to Anoka State Hospital on a commitment.

I stayed at Anoka for 3 1/2 months, got a job and got out, returning to my parents. After 9 months of no drugs and work, I moved out to live with some friends I had made. After 2 more months, they suggested that we take some LSD together. Again I fell asleep, then woke up in the middle of the night. I had the delusion that I was on a different planet. I was supposed to go out with no clothes in the middle of winter. It was o.k to throw on a sleeping bag and a pair of tennis shoes. After the cops caught up to me I was sent back to Anoka State Hospital for another 4 1/2 months.

Now we will flash forward a few years. In 1974 I was 27 years old and was married. My wife and I had a 2 year old daughter. I had recently lost a job. I started a new job with a group of work friends that drank alcohol frequently. I had giver up LSD after my second time in the hospital and had given up Marijuana after a very scary experience. Now, I thought, alcohol is a social drug and everybody drinks, so why don't I? The answer, I know now, is that alcohol, like other drugs, can set off a manic episode. I started drinking every weekend at the bar with friends and trying to keep 12 packs chilling in the fridge at home.

One night my wife went out with 2 of her girlfriends and left me to care for our 2 year old daughter. I began to experience delusional thoughts. I have always been a fan of science fiction. Now I began to think that the earth was being invaded by aliens. They had chosen our apartment complex as the lauching pad for their invasion! We lived on the 7th floor of a high-rise apartment building at the time. I had the fleeting thought that I should throw the 2 year old off the balcony to "save" her from the aliens. Thankfully, that thought passed. Instead I brough her down the elevator and picked her up and began to run with her from one building to another. I tried hiding us behind trees, behind the cement supports of the buildings and other places. After an hour of so, I had the thought of returning to our apartment.

Meanwhile, my wife and her friends had returned with her girlfriends and had been frantically calling all over, afraid that something had happened to us. I ranted on about how they needed to come with us to hide from the aliens. My wife and her friends had a conference and decided that one of the friends would stay with our daughter, while the other one would come with us to the nearby hospital. I was soon put in the pscyhiatric ward and placed on anti-psychotic medications.

Three weeks later, I had returned to some degree of sanity and was tremendously scared about almost having killed our daughter. I had been doing well and was given a pass to go home. Instead of going home, I went to a long-term program for chemical dependency and checked myself in. This was the start of my 35 years of sobriety. Unfortunately, I did not learn that I also have bipolar disorder until 10 years ago. During the first 25 years of my sobriety I went through 3 committed relationships and 7 good jobs. I didn't have full-blown manic episodes during that time, bu only "hypomanic" episodes. When my symptoms flared up, I became irritable and aggressive, rather than psychotic. Although staying sober improved my life, the quality of my life continued to suffer until I began to treat my bipolar disorder. I am now in Dual Recovery.

Peter and I hope that by sharing our stories and our research, people with bipolar disorder, their friends and families and professionals that work with them will gain more hope. Unfortunately, studies have shown that clients with dual disorders have a lower rate of treatment success. It doesn't have to be that way! If we can treat both illnesses together, we can do better! We hope to show that we can use evidence-based practices developed for bipolar disorder to treat dual disorder. We also hope to generate interest and discussion that will lead to new and innovative practices to cope with dual disorders. We have nothing to lose. We have much to gain! Tim Kuss